Today is just one of those days where I want to scream, dissociate, scream some more, dissociate some more, but nevertheless I persist because I have to keep up appearances and get work done and pretend things aren't as actually horrifically bad as they are for a moment or two here and there, but I am always aware.
I am sitting here trying to write todays Dispatch and no words come to me. It is a rare moment when a Gemini can't even find the words. Maybe this is a post to document that rare occasion? A few hours later, I employed the assistance of my boyfriend to help with finding a topic and now we are stuck in a neurodivergent loophole of "today in history".
Maybe that's the topic - history, not the past per se, but living history, history of memory of our lived experiences.
Someone asked the other day what was the first historical event you remember. I vaguely remember when Elvis died, but have no idea how because I was very young maybe 2-3 years old. I think my first memory was Three Mile Island. We live in Pennsylvania and its not that far away all things considered. I remember having nightmares about it and also building nuclear power plants with my blocks. I was very aware of things at a young age. After that was the Reagan assassination attempt and the Iranian hostage crisis - we did some art project in Kindergarten about it, but I can't remember if that was before or after my first Kindergarten teacher died of a heart attack in class in front of us. There was always the threat of Nuclear War with ruzzia hovering over everything. There's so much more. We witness history every day. My only hope is that future generations know the truth at the end of the day.
Its also weird to recognize that at 50, it would seem that more than half my life is behind me at this point. I thought that would be scarier, but joking with my partner and also my mom. Dear gods, why would anyone want to be immortal? I need a break, maybe come back as spoiled chonky orange house cats for awhile. Corey seems to enjoy it! Also, immortality, in this body? Surely, you jest! My back hurts so just go ahead and upload my consciousness to the ancestral collective conscious matrix and call it a day.
- Jennifer