I have to do something scary today. I work with the demonic all the time, but somehow talking to a lawyer is giving me anxiety beyond measure. It's noon and I'm two valiums into my day. I can't really talk about the legal matter at this time because ya' know legal stuff sometimes comes with a hefty side of STFU about it until all is said and done. It's still scary nonetheless. Doing a lil honor for the strength of Asmodeus, Belial, and Forneus at the moment.
My latest spiritual directive is to let go of fear - to let go knowing you could lose everything - to let go knowing you might not survive. Spiritual homework is always a challenge. I don't fear much despite being a chronic worry wort and anxious a lot of the time. It's 2026 and none of us know what is to come or if we will survive to make it through to the other side.
Letting go is hard. I have been in a sustained grieving process as I become more and more disabled. I push through the pain all the time and I have to take care of myself better in that sense. It's hard losing abilities or never knowing what bullshit your body is going to pull today. The inflammation in my hands is really bad. It makes some stuff really hard - things we take for granted like squeezing some shampoo out of the bottle, opening a jar of pasta sauce, or gripping the steering wheel when driving.
It is in loss that we can also find ourselves and reclaim and reconnect in different ways with the world around us. I may never ride a rollercoaster again, not that I have in the past 20 years, there is something weird when you realize I am never going to be able to do this particular thing again.
- Jennifer