One of the things I’ve struggled with my chronic illnesses, chronic pain, and being on the AuDHD and C-PTSD is that it feels like when I express boundaries and fluctuating limitations or when I try to explain something within my reality and lived experience is that it’s perceived as I’m just making excuses. I’m using my - fill in the blank - as an excuse for any number of things which more often than not is due to numerous doctors appointments, autoimmune pain flares, fibromyalgia flares, being AuDHD etc. I try to explain my reality and it always feels like even if the judgment isn’t stated that it’s still there. Why do I feel that way? Because I always ask myself a question, since I have done narrative therapy, and that question is 'who told you that?' Who told that you are making excuses? Who told you that you’re making people uncomfortable? Who told you I don’t that you are just making excuses for bad behavior? It ends up feeling like you are being written off for coloring outside the lines that one time and it becomes really complex and it’s something that people like me struggle with often.
Who I am as a person has changed as a result of multiple comorbidities and chronic illnesses and at best poorly managed pain for the past decade that have caused more issues since I didn’t understand the impact of ongoing high dose Cortisone injections. and the psychologically and neurologically side affect things and they amplify aspects of Autism and ADHD.
For instance, If unintentionally come across as rude to someone -- I usually explain like hey I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be rude or be overly blunt. It wasn’t my intention and then I tried to explain the reasons and end up feeling like I’m just perceived as making excuses. It is a learning process - on social media, I had to start adding a pretext of "100% agree" or "exactly" and then what I have to say because I noticed what I was saying without that was coming across as disagreement.
When a disabled person or neurodivergent person explains something that part of their diagnostics and cluster of symptoms and in some cases side effects perceiving those valid things as 'making excuses' is silencing for people like us because I know that I tend to suck it up, mask, and just play the part. It becomes even more complex as a small business owner and content creator
Is any of this excuse for a bad behavior? No, however, what I see every day on social media which is a hyper microcosm of the greater macrocosm and the amount of microaggressions through ableism, sometimes downright eugenics being thrown at people or even worse, the oppression Olympics as if its a contest. I’m autistic and blunt. I am aware of this however, I lack complete utter unawareness of it when I’m being too blunt and in that realm honestly there’s not a lot of words and expressions that offend me. I’ll drop a CU Next Tuesday without a second thought that someone else might find that to be a grievously offensive expression. I don’t find it offensive. I think if someone called me that I probably would laugh at them and matched their energy and throw it right back at them. Does that give an hall pass on using offensive slurs or anything like that. Of course, not. However, if someone has Tourette's Syndrome, I would be aware of that contextually.
People with chronic illnesses, chronic pain, and disabilities are asking for basic compassion, a little bit of empathy and understanding, basic human dignity. I have bad days and good days I have days where my pain is manageable and I have days for my pain is awful and sometimes that can affect my mood my reactions to things and I might not have the ability to filter and mask as well as I normally do, so I might not filter myself -- it’s not that I’m triggered or being a jerk. It’s that I wake up most days with a spoon or two at this and I have to make do with that as best as I can throughout the whole day and sometimes I have to borrow from tomorrow to get a little extra spoons for today which means tomorrow I might be depleted.
I talk about disability topics a lot because obviously I am disabled, but more to the point we live in a country that is actively promoting eugenics and wants to kill us whether it’s by removing any support systems whether or by taking away any benefits, health insurance denying us care, etc. Honestly, the reason I keep running this business and I’ve downsized a bit over the past year because I’ve had to -- I can’t work a day job and getting on and getting on Social Security disability would disable me even further because I don’t qualify for it as is. I will continue to work for as long as I can. I love what I do, but you know sometimes I have to stop killing myself and if that means an order goes out a day late, it is what it is. I try not to let that happen because I’m doing the best I can and I can’t always predict when I’m going have pain flare. Explaining such things circles back to feeling like I am just making excuses because I’ve been made to feel that way and I’ve internalized it and we have to realize is when I am saying these things I’m not speaking in void of in that I’m the only person on the planet facing these challenges.
Perhaps the message here is that people should stop making excuses for how they treat disabled and neurodivergent folks.